Becky C
I am an instructional coach who suffers from depression and has poor coping skills. When I begin to feel down, I take on extra duties to prevent the feeling of stillness. Quietness and a lack of schedule also leave me feeling uneasy.
The first time I was diagnosed with depression was in high school; I became very ill and had to quit cheerleading. I missed at least one day a week from school due to doctor visits and other outpatient procedures. During this time, my weight fluctuated pretty drastically and my doctors were concerned about my mental well-being. Coming from a very conservative family in the midwest, my parents did not believe in therapists. Instead, I was encouraged to talk to the priest… which I refused to do.
Once I started college, I learned that I could “tuck away” the sadness by becoming overly involved on campus. I made the cheer team, became president of our future educators association, was elected vice-president of student senate and became involved with many other organizations. When I wasn’t volunteering or leading organizations I was completing homework for my overpacked workload (I always got approval to take additional classes beyond the maximum allowed by the dean of education). Surprisingly, no one ever intervened and told me to slow down or asked about my mental health. I was giving so much of myself and only took breaks when my body shut down, leading to the flu or a bad cold.
This work ethic was working. The signs of depression seemed to be gone. I graduated and got married two weeks after college ended (yes, I planned a 300 person wedding during my senior year of college while student teaching). A month later I started my first teaching position, and loved it. My new focus was my job. I spent nights, weekends, and breaks reading about how to improve my practice. Laminating, cutting, grading, and lesson-planning filled any extra time in my day. My relationship was also good; we were both busy and both poured our hearts into our jobs. My family never questioned my workload, and they normalized my lack of self-care since I was always put together on the outside.
My relationship ended after five years. During those five years we moved many times for my ex’s job, and each time I was pulled further and further away from my family. I took each move incredibly hard and had many breakdowns. These breakdowns included not eating, drinking too much or uncontrollable crying. I would usually end up not moving much from the couch and getting bad fevers. The only way to get out of my “funk” was to dive into a new problem/challenge. I reached out to my family after my second move (another bad breakdown), and they responded by telling me that I am a strong woman. Basically, they let me know that I needed to toughen up and move on.
My principals always saw me as an incredibly hard worker who put in a lot of hours and volunteered for many organizations. They would comment on the fact that I was always willing to help out with any challenge and that they knew I was reliable. I lived for these comments. Looking back, though, I realize that they never once asked me to slow down or take some time off. It was clear that I would continuously give and never ask for anything in return. Mental health was never brought up. I used to sleep 4-5 hours a night and work from sun-up to sun-down, and no one ever asked me how I was really doing.
After my divorce, which is a whole story in itself, the depression came back full swing. This time I had many thoughts of suicide, and there wasn’t enough work in the world to hide how badly I was hurting. I used to cry on the way to and from work, every single day. My new position did not have enough projects for me to dive into because of the nature of the job, so for the first time I was left to deal with my depression. I never fell behind with my job; I was still working at least forty hours a week and would dive head-first into any problem or challenge, but I truly didn’t know how to navigate my mental wellbeing. After strongly contemplating taking my life I decided to call my doctor; she diagnosed me with severe depression and asked me to seek therapy and come in each week for a follow-up. My doctor and therapist both told me to slow down, and helped me to reach out to my family and my coworkers/administrator.
My family began calling me daily, and they were appreciative of the support I was getting from my therapist and doctor. My coworkers were amazing; they listened, even though I could tell that they were very uncomfortable. My depression became manageable again, and I was truly learning what it was like to enjoy life!
Once the pandemic hit, the depression started up again. I quickly fell back into my old ways and started taking on every project and every challenge that I could. As the only instructional coach in my district with a background and focus on technology, it has felt like the weight of the world was placed on my shoulders. I started sleeping 4-5 hours a night again and working non-stop. My admin and coworkers know about my depression and saw what I went through, but there has not been an opportunity for things to slow down - we have so many urgent needs and requests from teachers. I don’t believe that our administration or teachers are receiving the proper mental health support. We are told to slow down, and then reminded that “these things are a priority.” We are still teaching 100% virtually, and teachers are calling me and crying on a daily basis because their mental health is suffering.
Schools truly need to make mental health a priority! This goes beyond telling teachers to take time for themselves. More needs to be done to support teachers' well being, even if this is just normalizing therapy or forcing teachers to walk away from projects/tasks. Sometimes, it is as simple as looking at a teachers work-load and telling them that they are taking on too much (there are many times that I wish someone had done this for me). I have been told to take time for myself, yet no one has offered to take anything off of my plate - instead, items keep getting added. Educators need support.