Daniel M

First off, let's get the formalities out of the way, the bit everyone pretends not to mind.

I'm Dan Manley (for the record no one, not even my Mother calls me Daniel) I am the IDS & Google Lead for Witton Park Academy in Blackburn, Lancashire.

I've struggled with Mental Health for as long as I can remember; however, I only recently found out that that was what was going on inside my head. Not too recently, I will add (I've now known for a few years), but recently enough for me to realise that I've spent the majority of my life so far unaware of what I was going through and of how to combat it.

I had my realisation about 3 years ago, due to my wife being brilliant. She later told me that she saw signs right from the beginning our relationship, but presumed she was reading too much into it. My wife suggested to me that maybe what was happening to me at the time could be worked on, and that I could do with taking a trip to my GP. My wife has a social work background and has worked with people with various mental health issues, so I decided maybe she was right. I put it off for a while before I began to appreciate what she meant; up until this point I was definitely in denial about my mental health. I put this down to a very stereotypical British upbringing, stiff-upper lip / men don't cry etc… I took the plunge and booked in with my GP, still very embarrassed by the whole situation.

The outcome from this appointment was a diagnosis of "Anxiety WITH Depression" - emphasis on the way that is worded, something I didn't fully realise till later. To give some context; I was working in a well paid, secure job at the time. I was in a happy relationship, we were expecting our first child and our wedding was booked. What could I possibly have to be depressed about? This was always going through my head, I didn't feel that I had the right to be depressed. This thought process just increased my reluctance to admit that I was unwell, and drove my thoughts to denial. In reality I was in a dark place - far darker than I think I've told anyone before, even my wife. Though I am sure my wife saw the truth without me having to say it.

After seeing the GP I was prescribed antidepressants; Sertraline 50mg to be exact. I'd done my research, though, and knew I needed to do a lot more than simply take a tablet a day to get out of the dark. I needed to fill my mind with positivity, and things to focus on with achievable goals. I started many things to help me, but sadly I never finished any of them. I self-referred myself to CBT sessions - I think this may have helped me a bit, but the session leader just told me that I should work less, as that would solve all my problems (really?). So I didn't continue. I started planning a walk - the Pendle Way walk is a 45 mile circular, and I would try to do it in a day to raise money for the charity CALM. I started writing about my experience and started a blog - "Depresso Junction, Join the road to Conversation". I wanted to speak about Mental Health and Coffee. I also joined a local peer support group for Men with Mental Health Issues, hoping that talking about it with real people would help. Unfortunately, it rekindled the idea that I didn't have the right to be depressed when I was surrounded by people in far worse situations.

Anxiety with Depression is not what I expected. My doctor told me that people usually get Depression, which then increases their anxiety levels. With me it was the other way round; my anxiety was causing my depression. This confused me, as I've never classed myself as having anxiety or even being a generally anxious person. I'm fine when talking with people, I find it very easy in new social situations to make friends. One of my strongest skills is the ability to find a common ground with anyone and everyone. The lack of these types of skills are what I presumed anxiety was; however, I quickly found out that my anxiety dressed very differently. Apparently, anger and irritability sit under the umbrella that is Anxiety. Everyday things can irritate me one day, but not the next. Amplify that irritant to the point that you are so angry at this simple thing that you no longer know what to do. In many people this can lead to aggression and bouts of violence; with me, however, it causes my depression to kick in. To give you an example of this vicious cycle; something irritates me, I become stupidly annoyed/angry at the situation, being this frustrated causes me high-levels of stress and this eventually hits a “come down” point where I begin to enter the depressed state. When in this state I become more irritable, so more things then spark this anger > depression flow.

It has been a few years now since my diagnosis, and some things have changed. I had repeat visits to the GP when I was at my lowest, to simply get sent away with a higher dosage. This continued up to the max that can be prescribed for Sertraline - 200mg a day. Once again, though, I plateaued and found myself in a place that I didn’t like. I decided to take the plunge, to try to take my life into my own hands, and I stopped taking the meds. I’ll admit that this was a very controversial decision in my household, and it's something I wish I had told my wife I was going to do. Coming off the meds is horrible; I have tried to do it a few times, and the fall-out is not good for me or for those around me. In my personal experience, all the things that the antidepressants are trying to help you with appear to be heightened when you come off them. As a bit of a disclaimer, I am not suggesting you come off your meds if you are currently on them. This is just my experience.

I am now living more happily than before, I am comfortable being off my antidepressants, and for the most part I am able to control my feelings in a way that benefits myself and my friends and family. Funnily enough, though, I do not put this down to what I did at that time, I 100% believe that a big factor in my new happiness is the fact that I now work in education. Let’s all remember; I am not a teacher, and because I am not a teacher I do not have to undergo the stressful side that unfortunately comes with that role. I have seen a lot of that recently; even before I was in education I knew that it could definitely have a negative impact on people's mental health. I, however, have found it to have the opposite effect. Working in education has given me so much freedom, within reason that is, to do what I want to do. I've been able to take time for family as well as to work enough to satisfy that part of me. I've joined an awesome community in GlobalGEG, and I don't think I'd be as content with myself as I currently am if it weren't for the constant buzzing from the Global GEG Leader Twitter Chat.

From what I have experienced, schools need to create more of a community. I saw more of this in industry for sure. Departments might be close-knit, but they should try to include everyone as much as possible. For example, IT teams often get forgotten about!

Lastly, I just want to say, Talk About It. Whether that means talking to a loved one or keeping a journal - if there is one thing you should take away from this, it's to talk as much as possible about how you feel. It's hard at first, you might feel uncomfortable, but just talk. Get over that first step, and remember there are many of us out there who are more than willing to listen. A lot of us have gone through the same thing.