Dave W.

Honestly, I think I have suffered with anxiety for many years but only recently realised it. I get overly nervous of things that should not make me nervous and I catastrophize quite a lot, especially around work. I believe this is a result of years of shifting goalposts, performance related pay and league table pressure on schools to perform. There is no down time.

When I am anxious or down I withdraw from social situations, even with friends. I shy away from conversation and tend to walk around rather than settle somewhere. If people are in the staffroom I’ll often turn and leave rather than stay and chat. I’m terrible at small talk and very anxious of networking situations.

I have had excellent bosses over the years who have understood me maybe better than I understood myself, and one who almost completely destroyed my confidence in my ability to teach, let alone lead.

Eventually, in November 2019, during some additional issues within the family, I hit a wall and called my GP. She signed me off with anxiety and depression and I had an extended period of sick leave whilst I got used to my medication and attended CBT sessions. These have both helped me, but only to cope. It hasn’t made it go away, I don’t think it ever will.

I am, I think, a conformist by nature; I was brought up in a strict household and therefore care too much about doing what I’m told, even if I disagree. I also worry about the impact if I don’t do as I’m told - I wish I didn’t care so much.

While league tables exist, competition will always work against the world of education. Instead of working together to find the best way to educate our young people, schools are hell-bent on beating their neighbours, because that translates into numbers and funding. Add performance related pay to this and any school is only as good as its last set of results. This means that nothing is ever certain for longer than 12 months. Everything exists in a state of impermanence that is unhealthy for staff and students.