Natalie

Name: Natalie Graco

Twitter: @grumpygraks

Location: Surrey, UK

Depression

I have a slightly unorthodox methodology with the students in my care; I treat them as individuals and get to know them as people, using their strengths to help them achieve. I want them to know that I am their safe space in a dark world, and that I will help them and support them without judgement. I let them know that I was once a kid and that I get it! I embrace the silly and the weird. We are together in this. Consequently, there are a few regulars who seek me out. This is a mutually beneficial relationship; they find the attention and love that they need and I feel as though I have made a difference. The cards I receive often say things like “Second Mum”, “Mummy Grams”, “School Mum”. I catch up with them years later; it's a journey that doesn't stop at the end of a level.

One day, one of my tutees died. It was horrible. I have never felt so much pain. I'd never had counselling before because I was the rock. But I was supporting all my other tutees and my department, as well as the tutee’s mother and sisters, and coping with my own insecurities as a practitioner, and it all came crashing down. I cried through my lessons and the kids just sat there and said “It's cool, Miss; you are doing great. Just keep going.” That's when I knew it wasn't going to end well.

So, a little about me: I'm the Mummy, the best friend, the mentor, the confidante. I'm everyone's rock. I'm the one who says: “If you need help with something, come and find me - my door is alway open. No judgement”. I have time. I want the best for everyone who crosses my path.

But sometimes I feel like I'm a fake, a fraud, a duplicitous individual. I lie about everything to everyone. I show them the truth that I think they need, to avoid having to appear weak or insecure.

I'm incredibly insecure. I’m constantly terrified that I'm actually stupid and that I'll fail at everything, catastrophically affecting the lives of the students I teach. I have nightmares. I can't sleep, I always imagine the worst case scenario. I often feel sick and nauseous.

The responsibility for my mental health lies solely with me. You don't get a second chance to make an impact on your students future; you have to get it right. You have a duty of care to students, parents, colleagues and the wider society; all that responsibility lies with you.

Schools can be difficult because leadership gives unreasonable and unrealistic goals for you to achieve, and of course parents have expectations too - I don't think that all parents do their bit.

I think that we need to be a team. Leadership need to stop making the league tables their priority. School should be student focused, and teachers need to be supported to manage difficult students without being blamed for lack of pupil progress. Teachers need to be given the time to do more planning and development, especially in subjects that are constantly changing like computer science. It needs to be ok to not be ok without blame or the suggestion that if you are not coping that you are somehow at fault.

It is important that we support teachers and students in lockdown by encouraging them to make time to make time. Don't expect the same outcomes as you would in a classroom situation. Check in with teachers. Check in with kids. Facilities the narrowing of the digital divide.