Sarah G

Name: Sarah G

Location: London, UK

Eating Disorder, Anorexia

The main point I want to make is that it’s really important to talk to people.

When I was 16 I developed an eating disorder, anorexia, in a subconscious attempt to take control of my life. I think it stemmed from a combination of stress and family issues, as well as pressure from exams. I struggled until I was 20, becoming so thin that my periods stopped. I was just obsessed with being thin. I wasn’t even doing it for ‘me’ or to look good; it was all about feeling in control.

It started when I was working in school camps. I had two friends who suffered from eating disorders; my best friend had bulimia and my other friend struggled with her body image, so they were constantly talking about and obsessing over food. I was a facilitator at church and school camps as a summer job, and one of the roles involved being in the dining room with the children; encouraging them to clean up after themselves and put their dishes away. The dining hall was a toxic environment because my friends and I would obsess about what we were (or weren’t) eating, and it wasn’t long before my eating disorder manifested. I struggled throughout school and it wasn't until I started university that I started to get counselling. My best friend ended up in rehab and I visited her once; it was a scary experience and I’m so grateful that I was able to get help before things got that bad.

Before I got married I managed to return to a normal weight and take back control of my life. This was also the year that I took on my first teaching role. Teaching, for me, was as normal as my life could be; however, as part of my role I had to go to school camp and it all came flooding back to me. The minute I arrived I developed a migraine and started to panic, but I was there as a teacher and needed to demonstrate healthy eating habits to my students. I found it really difficult to remain in control and was eventually hospitalised because of the pain from the migraine. We shared the bathroom facilities with the students, and I was lying on the floor of the bathroom, throwing up because of the migraine and terrified that one of the students would come in and find me. Luckily, my aunt was able to come and collect me and drive me to hospital, but the Assistant Head had to come and take my place on the trip, causing problems for the school.

The next time I was asked to go on a school camp, the same thing happened.

At this point I moved to a new city. I hadn’t been struggling with migraines or eating for a while, so things seemed to be going well. Unfortunately, within a few weeks of starting my new role I had to go on a school camp again, which brought on another migraine just before I was due to leave, meaning that I arrived a day late to the camp. It was clearly a response to stress. I did everything I could, but I couldn’t eat in the dining room with the students - I tried, but I was shaking and felt nauseous. I couldn’t bring myself to eat.

The following year I asked not to go on the residential trip. I made excuses to the school rather than explaining the real reason why, which meant that the school couldn’t understand the problem and they made me go. The timetable for me, as a teacher, was really intense and I was relying on being able to eat outside of the dining room because of my previous experiences. I asked my line manager if I could eat separately, but without explanation as I didn’t feel comfortable talking to her. She didn't understand what I was saying, and thought it was such an odd request that she chose to ridicule me in front of the students for ‘needing quiet time’ to go and eat. This was absolutely humiliating and led to a huge amount of anxiety during the five day trip; I cried in my room each night, and couldn’t function properly or be as supportive to my students as I would have liked to have been.

I’d been free from all of the thoughts and difficulties relating to my mental illness for so many years and had worked so hard to overcome it, but the trauma of it all came flooding back from being in the dining room setting. It took me back to that time when I was a teenager and I was struggling.

To make things worse, when I got back to school my line manager reported that I hadn’t pulled my weight and had slacked off during the trip, which meant that all my hard work building my reputation and working hard within the school had collapsed and everything I had worked for had been lost because of one week when I had suffered with my mental health

In my third year at the school I was expected to go on the residential trip once again, but this time I was team-teaching with a member of staff that I trusted and to whom I felt comfortable explaining things. This time we were able to plan the timetable to give me an opportunity to eat my meals away from the dining hall. For the first time in my adult life I was able to enjoy camp with my students, and we had such a fun and rewarding experience. By taking the time to let the people close to me know what was going on, I was able to eat my meals separately and not feel stressed and anxious.

Before we went on the camp my colleague was keen that I speak to the head teacher. I was very reluctant because I didn’t want to be painted as someone incapable of doing their job or unable to be responsible for students. I was also worried that it would jeopardise a promotion I was hoping to get. Eventually she convinced me, and went as far as speaking to the head teacher on my behalf.

I’m so glad that she did because the head teacher took the time to speak to me, saying that he wished I had told him sooner. He explained that he had been surprised by the reports from the year before, but now he understood. I found it interesting that he couldn’t bring himself to actually say ‘eating disorder’ or ‘anorexia’, but it was good to hear he was on my side. After the camp he made a point of thanking me, making me feel really glad that I’d let him know what was going on. Not only that, I successfully got the promotion I was working towards which I felt, in part, was down to sharing my story with the head.

It’s so important that leaders in school make their staff feel comfortable; the Year 6 lead in my third year was so supportive and helpful, but in my second year I just didn’t feel comfortable talking to them, which caused problems for everyone in the long run. Even now she still doesn’t know why I struggled, and just thinks I was being difficult. It made such a huge difference to me to work with someone who I felt able to talk to. I think schools sometimes underestimate the value of someone who is able to listen to others and support them like she did for me.

My biggest regret is not sharing my situation sooner. I was worried about being judged, but I think that by keeping it to myself I made things harder on myself. I learned the hard way that it’s better to tell people than keep it yourself, and I hope that by sharing my story I can help someone else