Terra K

For her Google Innovator project, Terra has written a book called Be the Light which is a collection of stories from people who have struggled with mental health, addiction and many other taboo subjects. Here you can read her story, titled: I Never Thought I’d Be So Thankful To Be Grounded.

Have you ever had a moment when you find your thoughts spinning out of control? Have you ever had a feeling of panic which caused your heart to race, your palms to sweat, your breathing to become more rapid, and for you to second guess everything around you? Unfortunately, this is a feeling that I know all too well. It is something that I have struggled with a better part of my adult life.

Anxiety is that little voice inside my head that has a way of creeping up from time to time to create the self-doubt and fear that can be difficult to explain to someone who has not experienced it. It’s a stream of thoughts that don’t stop no matter how hard I try or want them to stop. Add in a crisis or a big event and the situation is compounded. Take the COVID-19 pandemic, for example. When it first began and news began to spread about Italy being hit so hard, I had irrational thoughts that I was going to be put on a plane and sent to Italy. Then I started thinking of those I cared about who were close to Italy. Which led to thinking about all of the friends I had made when I traveled to London. I worried about them and their loved ones getting sick. Which led to me thinking about my own family. Kyle has asthma. What would happen to him if he contracted it? Would he need a ventilator? What if he were to die? I began thinking about my mom and her asthma and how this would affect her. I began thinking about my step-dad and how he is immunocompromised. Would he be okay during this whole process until we get a vaccine? I began thinking about my father, who is a small business owner, and how he could be affected with his business as well as his health, which led to thoughts about my sister who was soon to give birth to a baby boy, which led to thinking about my other two sisters with new babies, which led to thinking about my brother who is incarcerated and would they put safe practices into place to keep him from getting sick and the virus spreading like wildfire. This led to me thinking about all of those whom I love that live alone. Would their mental health survive the pandemic? What about the mental health of so many in our country who thrive on social interactions and routine? What about the rest of my family? What about my friends? It became a spiral of thoughts that resulted in a phone call to someone who always grounds me. A phone call that resulted in uncontrollable sobs and me expressing the stream of my rational and irrational thoughts out loud. A phone call to keep me from having a panic attack.

In the fall of 2009, I remember the first time that I experienced a panic attack and actually knew what it was. I am not a huge fan of change, and we had experienced multiple major changes that year. I was pregnant, we sold our home, we were living with my dad, we were building a new home, I was finishing up my first year in a different job, we tragically lost my great-uncle, my grandmother passed away, my step-dad had just recently been diagnosed with cancer and then my son decided to arrive five weeks prior to his due date. To say that I had been pushed to my very limit is an understatement.

In a crowded room, with a group of people I am most comfortable with, I felt myself starting to spiral with anxious thoughts. My heart started racing, my breathing became more rapid, and my thoughts began spinning out of control. My family had come over to see my son, and I was sitting in the recliner, rocking him. I began thinking about what I would do if something happened to my step-dad. What would we do without him? What would my mom do? What would my brother and sister do? How could we carry on without him? The thoughts spiraled faster than I could possibly keep up until I found myself in a full-on panic attack. Here is the catch, though: I hid my irrational thoughts from everyone around me. I was afraid that if I told anyone, they would think I was crazy. I was afraid that saying it out loud would make the panic attack worse or make the thoughts become a reality. It was also at that moment that I realized I needed to learn how to control the panic attacks so that they didn’t begin to control me.

I have since found a few things that will help to ground me in these moments of panic. The number one practice that has seemed to be very helpful for me is what I call “The Five Senses.” I make myself name something I can see, hear, taste, smell, and feel. This practice grounds me. It brings me back to a rational place where I realize that everything is going to be okay. Once I get back to that place of being grounded, I try to pinpoint what it is that has gotten me to this point. If I am able to control what it is that has brought me to this point, I do everything in my power to change that aspect of my life. It is when I do not have the control to change the circumstances or situation that I have to find healthy ways to manage my anxiety.

When I am unable to control what is causing the anxiety, then I turn to some of my healthy ways of coping with it. I also do some of these things regularly to keep myself from getting to that point. I was born and raised Catholic, and my faith has always been a large part of my life. It is a constant in my life that I can rely on. Faith reminds me that I am not the one in control and it provides a sense of peace for me that many other things cannot. My family is my rock. They are everything to me. Being around them just brings me a sense of peace and belonging that cannot be recreated in other atmospheres. I am fortunate to have a large family that cares deeply for one another and is always there for one another. Certain people in my life have a way of just making everything feel better, and when I call them, they make everything seem like it is going to be okay. Crafting and creating things is my happy place. I thrive off of the opportunity to be creative. It keeps my mind active and I feel a sense of accomplishment once the items are complete. Working out is another way that I find keeps my anxiety at bay and gah….and do I hate working out! I am not one of those people that love it and look forward to it. I do it because I know it keeps me in a healthier place. Time alone is another necessary element of keeping me in a place of peace. That is a very difficult task considering I am a wife, a mom of three busy children, and I work full time outside of the home. I have to make that time for myself. Even when things are an absolute rat race in our lives, I have to have those moments when I can be alone with my thoughts to regroup and recharge. That time alone could be anything from going to a craft store and wandering around for an unnecessary craft, getting a pedicure, having dinner with a friend, or simply perusing one of my favorite stores. I used to feel really guilty about these outings and now, I still may feel guilt from time to time, but I have learned that we are all happier when I take this time for myself. I limit my intake of caffeine and alcohol. Making sure to get enough sleep is another important strategy that keeps me from feeling that sense of anxiety. This one proves the biggest challenge for me because I am somewhat of a workaholic. I have to do better at finding a work/life balance. Lastly, I am very fortunate to have a husband who is fully supportive and loves me unconditionally. I am certain there are times when I am anxious and am verbalizing my concerns that he would just like to tell me to put a sock in it! He just patiently listens, tells me everything is going to be all right or that I am being ridiculous, and then I am able to move on. For this, I am eternally grateful.

The biggest epiphany for me began when I started being more honest with myself and others about my anxiety. I used to be very ashamed of my anxiety, but now I know anxiety is very common and not something to be ashamed about. It is, what I feel, is my least favorable attribute. However, I have accepted that this is a part of me. If I can help others by being open about my anxiety, then that is what I intend to do. Anxiety should be viewed no differently than diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, etc. It is a part of us that we have to learn to control, whether that control comes in the form of exercise, change in diet, change in behavior, or prescribed medication. Anxiety knows no race, religion, color, sexual orientation, etc. It can happen to anyone and should be viewed without judgment.

Finally, I have found that pushing myself outside of my comfort zone has forced me to grow in ways that I never thought were possible. This, in turn, has pushed me to face my feelings of anxiety head-on and learn how to work through them. I have pushed myself in my personal life and my professional life and sometimes this is just a way to prove to no one other than myself that I can accomplish what I put my mind to. When I am met with failure in these situations, I look at what I need to change in order to push myself a second time. Other times, I realize that I have pushed myself outside of my comfort zone and don’t want to do that again! I would rather look back with pride at what I have attempted to accomplish instead of regret about what I wish I had tried or accomplished.

I have found those items that bring me light and keep me in a place of peace. Additionally, I have found there are people who accept me for who I am and with my imperfections. They love me for who I am and stand by me when I need them most. People are my light and my reason for wanting to try so hard. I am hopeful that my story can provide light to anyone who may need it. It is important to understand that we are all in this life together and we need to support one another. We need to take the time to understand one another. We need to be the light for one another and help keep each other grounded.