Toby D

I was officially diagnosed with bipolar when I was 32, in 2001. I had been married for 9 years and had two daughters; a 5 and an 8 year old. We’d just moved into what is now our family home and I’d been working for a year as a tutor in a Further Education college, working with 16 - 19 year olds. This was not a good time to start a family journey wrestling with the bipolar hydra.

I call it a hydra because bipolar is just that; hypomanic episode that would wreak destruction across my finances, friendships and family relationships. It would have me believe that I was capable of anything, spend money we didn’t have and couldn’t afford, start projects I wouldn’t finish, call and distress friends, who later on left us. Once I had regained control and severed the hypomanic head, another two heads would spring up; heads like self - recrimination, despair, self - hatred, anxiety and poor self esteem. More would follow each time I had yet another episode and had to fight the hydra yet again, with drugs and counselling.

The toll it took on my young family was horrific. I was too detached from reality on the anti-psychotic drugs I had to take to be there for my children and my wife had to make all family decisions on our behalf. Though I was incapable of coherent suggestions, I would throw a rage because she dared decide something without my consent or input. We constantly teetered into debt which finally engulfed us. Luckily we are now on an even keel, though it has taken decades for us to wrestle control of our finances.

Bipolar, particularly when I’m high, makes me feel particularly creative and capable. Ideas flow and I’m excited, enthusiastic and motivated to do all of them. But even though I might have bought the materials for a project or fleshed out a plan, nothing actually comes to fruition. Once I’m grounded again, I feel that I cannot actually achieve anything. This has a real impact on my self-confidence and self-esteem.

My workplace has been completely supportive over the last 20 years. Whether it is giving me enough time off work to recover and recuperate from a hypomanic episode or time to attend counselling groups, I have been offered plenty of assistance to become a valued member of the teams I work for. I think the one thing I would have appreciated more of would be the training to develop the administrative skills required to do my job; I qualified as a teacher and don’t know how to do much else!

The education sector brings its own unique stressors, and these can be either overwhelming and difficult to manage or stimulating and a great boost to creativity. Given that my mood determines how I view these stressors, it has taken me years of practice to learn how to deal with them. Additional trauma can also throw me over the edge into hypomania.

My experience in the educational sector has led me to believe that at the moment we don’t really acknowledge mental health and the effect it can have on the wellbeing of educators and learners alike. There needs to be an open forum where matters of mental health can be discussed without the attached stigma.